Do Latter-day Saints Freak Out Too Much About Porn?

By Dina Alexander, MS

Whether you’ve grown up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or not, sometimes a person wonders, “Is porn really worth freaking out over?” Most of us have friends, male and female, who watch pornography, joke about it, or even praise it. And what about those people who are single for much of their adulthoods? Is it so bad for them to get sexual pleasure from this type of media? Well, I’m here to tell you: Yes, porn really is that bad! Yes, it’s worth freaking out over!  

Want to participate in media that celebrates hate for women, racism, and narcissism? Watch porn. 

Think it’s okay for women (and men) to be exploited by managers (pimps) and directors, and to watch them perform in paid prositution? Watch porn.

Want your kids to form selfish, unrealistic ideas about sex and misogynistic views of women? Let them watch porn (or don’t put any filters or monitors on their phones and devices).

The list of negatives related to porn can go on and on! But here are a few facts that you may want to consider for yourself, your spouse, and your children.

Why Porn Is the Worst

Porn teaches that women are sexual objects to be used and discarded. Whether it’s labeled by some supposedly empowering label like “feminist porn,” or “porn for women,” or if it’s identified by race, body type, or LGBTQ status, in pornography, women are degraded, often humiliated, and dominated–almost always by a man or multiple men.

Viewers are taught that women are not worthy of basic human dignity and respect; rather, they are objectified and used for men’s gratification. Women are portrayed as a collection of orifices ready at any moment for anything sexual the man may want, and with no human or sexual needs of her own. What happens when kids with impressionable, developing brains watch pornography? Their sense of empathy is desensitized and their understanding of a woman’s humanity is deeply diminished. 

. Most people know that viewing porn will make them feel that their sexual habits with their partner just can’t measure up to the gymnastics and over-the-top orgasms of porn actors (women orgasming when nothing is being done to arouse them). But repeated viewing of pornogrpahy usually leads a person to view sex as a common, self-serving act that has no consequences and is as meaningful as a sneeze. Whether it’s a child, teen, or adult watching porn, one can easily forget that healthy sex is sacred, special, and fun. 

Remember, the fake, sometimes brutal acts in pornography never show real love or intimacy, caressing, holding, or honest caring. It only shows a counterfeit act where people are selfishly consumed with their own gratification and often treating others as animals to be used and thrown away. This can be very confusing and sometimes traumatic for kids, particularly if they have not been taught by their parents about what real sexual intimacy is about. 

Porn can change the brain. With frequent exposure to porn, dopamine overwhelms the brain. The brain’s natural response to cope with the onslaught is to remove some of the dopamine receptors, which in turn affects the porn user’s ability to feel the effects as strongly as he had before. Like an addiction, it trains the brain to require more and more dopamine to feel the initial effect. When porn usage is frequent, the dopamine level required to feel excitement can be so heightened that the person can no longer feel pleasure at things that used to make her happy.

Porn can lead to sexual dysfunction. Common physical problems that porn users experience with real-life partners include trouble getting and maintaining an erection, needing pornographic images to ejaculate, and difficulty even having an orgasm. During real-life sex, a man may feel disconnected to his partner and take a long time to reach orgasm. He may need to rely on remembered pornographic images to reach orgasm.

What Can You Do to Prevent Your Kids from Seeking Out Pornography? 

Start and continue conversations about pornography AND make sure you are talking about healthy sexuality too. Remind your kids that sex is wonderful and awesome, and that you want your child to create his own ideas of sex without an industry telling her what is cool and sexy. 

Acknowledge that his/her and God-given! All of us want to see naked bodies. It’s natural. But viewing porn is morally wrong. It is morally wrong to watch exploited women for our own sexual pleasure—even if our church friends are watching.

Remember that this is just as much a problem for girls as it is for boys. Some of us are still holding onto the outdated, dangerous notion that girls don’t struggle with pornography. This attitude will not only leave you unprepared, but when your daughter is struggling, she will feel even more shame and won’t feel like she can talk to you about it. I have young women reporting to me that their Young Women leaders still sometimes approach these lessons in church as a “I know this type of lesson is just for boys and you don’t need this lesson, but we need to do it anyway.”

Have a plan for when your kids are exposed. Before your kids are even exposed, you can create a plan to help them handle exposure when they are at a friend’s house, on the school bus, or anywhere. 

Have a plan for YOU when your kids are exposed. Don’t freak out! It may be hard to stay calm. If you don’t keep the reaction under wraps, though, your child will think you are upset at her. Have your freak out session later with another adult and well out of ear shot of your child.

Strongly consider getting rid of smartphones for your kids. It’s an adult tool and teenage brains can’t handle it.  Don’t make the mistake I made! So much time wasted. So many ways to hide stuff. You will NEVER regret waiting to get your kids a smartphone or getting rid of their smartphones all together. And there are alternatives! I use Gabb Wireless for our teens’ dumb phones (they only have talk, text, and a radio. They cannot receive photos or access the internet).

If your child is already viewing pornography, determine if they have developed a habit or an addiction. You can be the best parent in the world and teach your kids to the best of your ability, but our kids have agency and will ultimately make their own choices. Don’t beat yourself up over this and don’t shame your child. Work together to be better and get back on the path to good choices and lasting happiness.

Remember, you will not be perfect or say the exact “right” thing, but your caring and compassion will communicate your message and for your children to have these important discussions.

Essential Parenting Resources to Help You Start and Continue the Conversation

Need help with this and other important discussions? We have created amazing parenting resources when it comes to talking about healthy sexuality, the dangers of pornography, and using techology in healthy ways. Find all of our books here. 

How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography from Educate and Empower Kids

Full of great information and advice for parents, as well as important discussions to have with your children ages 6+. 

Noah’s New Phone: A Story about Using Technology for Good from Educate and Empower Kids 

A great family night book featuring a poignant story that addresses smartphone rules, online bullying, social media, and more.

Petra’s Power to See: A Media Literacy Adventure from Educate and Empower Kids

Join Petra and her dad as they venture around the city to learn about media, how to understand it’s messaging, and how to choose media wisely.

Simple Family Night Lessons to Help You:

“Teach Your Kids to R.U.N. from Pornography” from Educate and Empower Kids

This lesson has a number of resources that will help you teach your kids how to avoid pornography.

“A Lesson About Pornography- for ages 3-7” from Educate and Empower Kids

This is a simple family night lesson guide for parents about pornography that is tailored specifically for children ages three through seven.

More Helpful Resources:

How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography” from 3 in 30 Podcast, September 2019

Rachel, host of the podcast, discusses with Dina Alexander ways that parents can protect and educate their children about pornography.

“A Family’s Guide to Digital Media” from Educate and Empower Kids

This free e-book was created to assist you and your family in finding a media balance by providing you the tools and information you need to create your own family media usage plan.

*There are affiliate links in this post. Any proceeds we may receive from these helps build and maintain our website.

Dina Alexander is the founder of Educate and Empower Kids (educateempowerkids.org), an organization determined to strengthen families by teaching digital citizenship, media literacy, and healthy sexuality education—including education about the dangers of online porn. She is the creator of How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography and the 30 Days of Sex Talks and 30 Days to a Stronger Child programs. She is also the author of Noah’s New Phone: A Story About Using Technology for Good and Petra’s Power to See: A Media Literacy Adventure. 

Most recently, she has published The Powers of Heaven, A Priesthood Guide for Latter-day Saint Girls and Boys, Chloe has a Question, a Very Important Question and This is the Spirit of Revelation for Latter-day Saint children.

Dina received her master’s degree in recreation therapy from the University of Utah and her bachelors from Brigham Young University. She loves being a mom and spending time with her husband and three kids. Together, they live in New Mexico. She has been a speaker at BYU Women’s Conference, has twice presented on the Mormon Channel’s Gospel Solutions for Families, and has been a guest on over 20 podcasts. She is currently in production with Deseret Books’ SEEK program where she is filming a short video series on how to talk with children about pornography.