Talking to our Latter-day Saint Kids about Masturbation

By Dina Alexander, MS

Yikes! I don’t know a parent who likes this word: masturbation. Whether we think it’s healthy or not, we just hate talking about it—especially with our kids. But we need to! Our kids need our perspective, our knowledge, and our wisdom. Our life experience—the good, the bad, and the ugly—is one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids. 

For example, a good deal of research on masturbation says it is a healthy coping mechanism. However, I can’t count the number of women and men who have told me (or a wider audience) that they have trouble reaching orgasm with their partner because they are used to their own touch or just find it easier to finish on their own. 

This is a subject that won’t be studied anytime soon because it goes against popular thought right now. Nobody wants to publicize a common reality, that masturbation sometimes (not always) can interfere with the healthy intimacy of couples. Wives of porn addicts know this all too well—and have shared with me their pain on many, many occasions. 

Give Your Kids Practical Information about Masturbation

So, parents, this is where our life experience and wisdom is critical in adding to our kids knowledge of healthy sexual intimacy. In YOUR home, YOU must determine if masturbation is a small issue or a harmful sin. Let your values and the Holy Ghost guide your discussions on this topic. The For the Strength of Youth pamphlet also gives some insight into this topic, “Do not do anything else that arouses sexual feelings. Do not arouse those emotions in your own body.” 

Do Not Use Shame to Teach This or Any Principle Related to Sexuality

But please don’t use shame in talking about this very common practice! Just be real. Your kids–boys AND girls–will almost certainly try it or make a habit of it. If you do not remain calm and compassionate when talking about masturbation, you will certainly ensure that your child will NOT talk to you about this or other awkward and embarrassing topics. They surely won’t tell you if they have formed a habit, are struggling with pornography use, or any other myriad of issues they may be facing.

How Should I Teach My LDS Kids about Masturbation 

Get comfortable! Talking about masturbation with your kids means getting comfortable—or at least pushing through your discomfort. Get as cozy as you can with saying words like “orgasm,” “ejaculation,” “arousal,” “erection,” and “semen.”

Start a dialogue and be prepared to answer questions. This may be the one topic you are most uncomfortable with, but it is best if YOU start the conversation with your child. Establish yourself as a source of information when your kids are young. Be ready to explain questions about anatomy, the functions of various anatomy, and other sexual topics that may come up.

Think carefully about what you say. Remember, most kids will masturbate at some point.  When they do masturbate, do you want them to remember scolding and shameful language? Or thoughtful, understanding words?

What Should I Teach My LDS Kids about Masturbation

Discuss the difference between exploring one’s body and masturbating. A lot of kids, particularly when they are young, simply want to see and understand their private parts. And they may touch themselves for the natural, innocent reason that it feels good. Little girls cannot even fully see their vulva and component parts without a mirror. If they are not taught to use a mirror to look at their lady parts, they are going to explore with their hands.

Talk about positive coping skills. Many kids use masturbation to self-soothe when they are bored, lonely, tired, or when they are feeling anxiety or stress. If you don’t want your child to masturbate, discuss other options for coping with stress like exercise, reading, playing a game, talking with a friend, crafting, drawing, etc.

Teach the Lord’s Standard for Sexual Purity. “Masturbation for either gender is not necessary. In a gospel sense, it is a sin: ‘Masturbation, a rather common indiscretion, is not approved of the Lord nor of His Church regardless of what may have been said by others whose ‘norms’ are lower. Latter-day Saints are urged to avoid this practice’” (Spencer W. Kimball, Love Versus Lust, Brigham Young University Speeches of the Year [Provo, 5 Jan. 1965], p. 22).” A Parents Guide: CH; 5 Teaching Adolescents from Twelve to Eighteen Years

Teach your kids how to recognize and keep the Holy Ghost in their lives. This will be the single most important tool they have in avoiding masturbation. Encourage them to make a personal commitment to stay sexually pure in every way–for the practical reasons and the spiritual.

Great Resources to Help You Talk about Masturbation, Healthy Sexuality & More

I understand how this and many other topics can feel intimidating or even scary. That’s why I’ve co-written several resources to help you talk about nearly every awkward topic our families will face. Check out our 30 Days of Sex Talks books for kids ages 12+, 8-11, and 3-7 for conversation starters, background information, and a super helpful glossary. You may also like our book How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography. All of our books are available on Amazon.

*There are affiliate links in this post. Any proceeds we may receive from these helps build and maintain our website.

Dina Alexander is the founder of Educate and Empower Kids (educateempowerkids.org), an organization determined to strengthen families by teaching digital citizenship, media literacy, and healthy sexuality education—including education about the dangers of online porn. She is the creator of How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography and the 30 Days of Sex Talks and 30 Days to a Stronger Child programs. She is also the author of Noah’s New Phone: A Story About Using Technology for Good and Petra’s Power to See: A Media Literacy Adventure. 

Most recently, she has published The Powers of Heaven, A Priesthood Guide for Latter-day Saint Girls and Boys, Chloe has a Question, a Very Important Question and This is the Spirit of Revelation for Latter-day Saint children.

Dina received her master’s degree in recreation therapy from the University of Utah and her bachelors from Brigham Young University. She loves being a mom and spending time with her husband and three kids. Together, they live in New Mexico. She has been a speaker at BYU Women’s Conference, has twice presented on the Mormon Channel’s Gospel Solutions for Families, and has been a guest on over 20 podcasts. She is currently in production with Deseret Books’ SEEK program where she is filming a short video series on how to talk with children about pornography.