By: Ariane Robinson
It’s been said, “Comparison is the thief of joy,” and nowhere is this more evident than in modern parenting. Thanks to social media, it is easier than ever before to scroll through your feed and catch a glimpse into the seemingly perfect world of other parents. When we compare our lives and the lives of our children to those “perfect” families we see online, we may feel like we don’t measure up. These comparisons can create feelings of jealousy and discontent. They can also cause us to fall into the trap of encouraging certain activities or behaviors in our kids, just so they can fit in more easily with the filtered lives we see online.
As a parent, I know how much we all want our children to succeed. However, when we push our children to be like someone else or compare our child with another child as a means of motivation, it can be damaging to their self worth. Comparison can also rob us and our children of the happiness that comes from loving and accepting ourselves and them for who we are.
Instead of comparing our children with the filtered pictures we see online, here are three ways we as parents can help our children to be their best selves and build their self worth in the digital age:
- Help them set goals. Children are spending hours of time online, without much purpose or direction for their day. As parents, we can help them to find something more to work toward than leveling up in a game or getting a certain number of likes on a post. We can teach them how to set goals and even how to use the technology they have to set reminders, alarms, or time limits on their devices to help them reach their goals. Goals are important because they help your child develop critical thinking skills, such as reasoning, problem solving, exploring possibilities, and finding creative solutions. This will assist your child in building resilience as they learn to cope with setbacks. Parents can help their children set realistic goals, support them, and offer encouragement while they are working toward their goal. One way to do this is by setting S.M.A.R.T goals (Goal Setting, 2018). This acronym stands for specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and timely. The following is a list of apps that can help kids and adults keep track of goals: Habithub, Strides, Loop, and Goalmap. The Goalmap app in particular uses the S.M.A.R.T goal system. Check out this link to a smart goal worksheet that parents can print out to create a plan with their child if they prefer that approach.
- Follow up with consequences and be consistent. As parents, it is important to say what we mean and mean what we say. In our families, we need to have rules and guidelines, especially when it comes to screen time and media use. These tools can help protect our children from online dangers and excessive usage of their devices. Families can council together to develop rules and consequences they feel are best suited to their situation. Once these guidelines are in place, parents need to be consistent in following-up with any consequences that were agreed upon in their family council. The more children learn about the consequences (positive or negative) of their actions, the more they understand the impact of their behaviors, and the more secure they feel by having that understanding (Hartstein, 2017). Secure boundaries set by parents lead to healthy emotional development in children.
- Focus on encouragement rather than praise. Social media is full of approval seeking, and while we all need a little encouragement from time to time, our children do not need the constant and excessive praise that can be showered on them through social media. Encouragement can often be confused with praise, but they are different. Encouragement develops bonds, whereas praise can create dependency (Hicks, 2006). This is why so many of our kids may be addicted to or feel like they need their social media accounts. We don’t need to fall into this trap of offering false praise; instead we can focus on encouragement. Here are a few examples to show the difference between praise and encouragement. Praise-I am so proud of you. Encouragement-You should be proud of yourself. Praise-You did great! Encouragement-You did it!
If you struggle with comparing your child either online or offline to other children, remember the advice of researchers on this subject who have said, “…to help all children succeed, parents should focus on recognizing the strengths of each of their children and be careful about vocally making comparisons in front of them” (Jensen, Mchale, 2015).
Our children will face being compared to others throughout their lives and in many different ways. It would be wonderful if we could make our homes a haven from comparisons. We need to take the time to strengthen our relationship with each child, and create a place where each person is valued entirely on who they are and their intrinsic value as an individual.
For ideas on how to strengthen your relationship with your child and help them develop communication skills, confidence, and interpersonal aptitude, check out 30 Days to a Stronger Child.
Ariane Robinson is the mother of five children and a graduate of BYU-I. She is a Marriage and Family Studies Major and a certified facilitator with PREPARE/ENRICH, a program designed to help couples develop skills to improve their relationships. She enjoys working with families and helping to strengthen their relationships.
Citations:
Goal Setting. (2018). Retrieved from https://mcckc.edu/counseling/goal-setting/
Hartstein, J. (2017, June 26). The Importance of Setting Limits for Your Child. Retrieved from https://health.usnews.com/wellness/for-parents/articles/2017-06-26/the-importance-of-setting-limits-for-your-child
Hicks, B. (2006, October 02). Encouragement vs. Praise. Retrieved from http://www.thekidcounselor.com/2006/10/encouragement-vs-praise/
Jensen, A. C., & Mchale, S. M. (2015). What makes siblings different? The development of sibling differences in academic achievement and interests. Journal of Family Psychology, 29(3), 469-478. doi:10.1037/fam0000090
Never forget that you are truly precious daughters in God’s kingdom...
“I want to tell you something that I hope you will take in the right way: God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect.
Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not.
And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does.
Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.
It’s wonderful that you have strengths.” — Dieter F. Uchtdorf
Ready for Amazing Family Discussions?
Check out 30 Days to a Stronger Child. It Includes great questions, lessons and challenges to help your kids learn to fill their emotional, intellectual, social, physical and spiritual “accounts.”
